Taylor

When Kennedy was about 2 I got pregnant with our second daughter Taylor in July of 2019. From day 1 of being pregnant I was sick as a dog- until about 17 weeks. Total opposite of my pregnancy with Kennedy. I was working full time at a vey high stress job with a two-year-old at home so the entire experience was different than before. There weren’t as many chances to nap or lay down and watch tv when I didn’t feel good which is so much easier when it’s just you, you need to care for. I started to feel a little better around the holidays and thought maybe I was going to get the swing of things…until 2020 came around. Then… Covid-19 hit. When shit really hit the fan, I was in my third trimester and as any second time mama knows, I was WAY bigger, WAY more uncomfortable than before. Oh…. and WAY fucking nervous about this global pandemic and how I was going to keep my unborn child and now 3-year-old safe and healthy. Around this same time, my job at work changed and I was managing my first project which had a substantial completion date by the end of the month, we pulled Kennedy out of preschool so I was about 8.5 months pregnant working from home with a Toddler…. I was STRESED.  Since my first was a C-section baby I opted for another this time around and due to my anxiety having some control over what was going to happen felt like a good option. Well…. As all of us know most things with kids don’t go according to plan. I went into labor days before I was scheduled to go in for induction. Taylor Madison was born May 4th, 2020 and was the sweetest, chubbiest thing ever. Because of Covid it was just the 3 of us for a few days in the hospital which was a wonderful bonding experience that I will cherish forever. I was feeling confident that this time I was going to be able to breastfeed- I was very hopeful that I would be able to nurse Taylor even though I wasn’t able to with Kennedy. I still really wanted to try for her but our experience was just the same as it was with her sister and once again I had cope with the fact that I wasn’t able to do that for her. Every time someone new would come in and check on us I had to re-explain to them that I wasn’t able to breastfeed and felt like I had to explain myself. After days of doing that and of course not sleeping I began to spiral, on the day we were supposed to go home I started to feel very much like I did with Kennedy when my PPA really kicked in, and I thought to myself CRAP here we go. Jeff left that morning to go home, shower and get Kennedy to meet us at the hospital so she could meet her baby sister for the first time. It wasnt a meeting like I had dreamed because of stupid covid she couldn’t come see us in the hospital we met her in the car. She was out of sorts and tired but stared at her the entire way home and we got home they were instantly connected something inside Kennedy shifted that day and she knew she was going to be her guardian just like I have always been to my sister Carly. It was a day I will never forget. We had planned to have the next few days just the 4 of us to bond as a new family. In those 4 short days I went from coping and getting through the days to a disaster. On day 5 my parents came to meet Taylor. I don’t remember much of the day part until the evening after they left. I had been crying for about 6 days straight and hit my breaking point this day. I do remember us all sitting our bed, and I looked ay my husband Jeff, and hysterically muttered “ I think I need help.” The look on his face was a look of familiarity and terror at the same time. He responded with “call your aunt Deb.” So, I did. She asked me a few questions and then the kicker…. she asked if I felt safe and hysterically, I told her I just told Jeff that I think him and the girls would be better off without me.”  (Just sitting here typing this sentence triggers some emotions I haven’t felt since then and told myself I never wanted to feel again.) I told her that I didn’t know why I even said that because I was so embarrassed that those kind of thoughts would even enter my mind  and so sorry for my husband and my sweet girls that they have this loser of a wife and Mom who would say something so terrible. She told me she was going to call my parents and have them come back and that I needed to get on the phone and call the DR and then call her back. It was after hours and the weekend but I called my OB’s office right away and the answering service picked up ( which was new BTW.) I am a blubbering mess trying to explain to this woman that I needed to speak with the ON CALL DOC because I was having an episode. She told me… “ honey I cant prescribe any drugs but sometimes when you get the baby blues going for a nice walk or taking a bath helps. I am like BITCH PLEASE… DO NOT TELL ME TO GO FOR A WALK. I NEED TO SPEAK WITH DR. Khan like NOW. She wouldn’t path me through. I called my aunt back and she advised us to get my hubs on the phone with her and tell her that this is a MENTAL HEALTH EMERGENCY and to ger her now. After a few more tries I finally got ahold of her and she said this: “I want you to know that this isn’t you, this is your hormones…they just ghosted you and that sucks.” I am here for you to help you through this Laura. She suggested I add Wellbutrin to my dose of Lexapro and called it in immediately. For those of you who know, those kinds of medications take weeks to kick in and at this point this situation was emergent and I didn’t have weeks or even days to wait to feel better. By chance, I sent my midwife an email message and told her what was going on and she called me the next morning, and suggested I take Ativan (which is a faster acting, emergency type of medication. ) By this time my parents got back, and we sat down to figure out a plan. I was so unstable at this point that all I wanted to do was go back to the hospital where my nurses and doctors were so I felt ‘safe,’ but was feeling panicked about leaving my 5 day old baby and 3 year old behind. I was mortified that I would possibly miss the first days of my new babies’ life but I knew I needed help and more than that, my babies needed a happy mama. Because I had tried to nurse in the hospital my stupid milk was trying to come in and I could tell that it was part of the problem. The doc explained that if I take my Ativan with some Benadryl it would dry me up and help me sleep but it would knock me out- she was right. This time was hard fast and DARK. My feelings were way darker than they were with Kennedy. Maybe because of this time in my life being busier and more stressful or maybe because we were in the middle of a global health crisis or maybe just because I knew what was happening and was hyper-aware of my feelings and where I was at.

At my follow- up appt with the midwife she had me promise her I would get AT LEAST 6 hours of sleep a night, I would eat whole nutrient-rich food, drink tons of water, get outside and move my body and that I would start seeing a therapist. I am 5 months PP and have continued to hold that promise to her. Tracy, if you ever read this, please know that I am forever grateful to you and all the phone calls and emails. Your dedication to your patients is truly incredible and I owe you much more than a thank you card and a stupid bottle of hand cream I gave you.

Deb… as always thank you for taking care of us and always answering our calls and understanding mental health the way you do. You are my hero.

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2020- The Year of the MOTHER